Realizations
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: One-shot of a realistic encounter between Eli and Clare in the summer after Drop the World. Eli's thoughts as he's getting the help he needs and he realizes something about the end of his relationship with Clare.


**Hi everyone! Just trying to capture what a realistic encounter between Eli and Clare might look after Drop the World. I am completely heartbroken over what happened. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any of the real world references I choose to make. **

**Eli's POV**

"Good, Eli. That's really good. I'm afraid we're out of time for today, but I will see you tomorrow, okay?" Dr. Sadler said with a smile as she began walking me to the door to her office.

"Of course Dr. Sadler. Thank you. See you then," I said and then made my way out of the building in the sunny Toronto August summer.

I have been seeing her every day for two and half months after the events of _that night. _I owed it to my parents to get better, and even though I had my doubts if it would work, I've come to like Dr. Sadler and she's given me some coping techniques that are better than not having any clue about how to deal with anything.

Nothing will make me ever forget the look of my mom's face when I finally came home from the hospital…I have never seen my merry-hearted mother look so completely destroyed, not even after Julia's passing. What hurt the most was that she didn't even reprimand me at all, but just stepped closely to me before enveloping me in a hug that was the most comforting act I had received from another human being in so long. I couldn't help but tear up as my mom just held me and kept saying over and over "We'll find a way out baby boy. We can do this. The three of us will do it together," and sobs overtook my body at her kindness and understanding.

To this day, she's never reprimanded me once for anything I did that day, but I know how disappointed she was. I even slept in my parents' bed that night – I think mom understood I just couldn't be alone. She held my hand the entire time just like she sometimes did when I was little and I had these horrible nightmares of the things Mike would do to me, and it was in that moment that I understood things with me needed to change. I was hurting everyone around me, and they didn't deserve that. I knew I only did bad things and damaged the people I loved…and I wasn't sure if that would ever change, as I was always desperately trying to do the right thing. Dr. Sadler has helped me analyze situations properly though, since then, and I hope a few of the choices I've made since have made things easier for my parents.

When my dad left at around 3am to do the morning show, I headed to my own room and I just picked up one item at a time…I started by myself and I finished by myself. It took about three days, especially considering that I could barely move around with my leg. It wasn't easy and tears flooded my eyes for the entire time. My mom and dad offered to help, but I wanted to do everything myself. Cece did help me a little bit at the end – she put all of my photos of Julia together in a scrapbook and even took me to the graveyard. I had to apologize to Julia for what I did. I wasn't religious so I had no idea if she could hear me, but Dr. Sadler had suggested just trying it. I was really grateful to my mom for waiting for me for the forty-five minutes I just laid down by her headstone, wishing desperately instead of having her headstone on my right side, I could have _her _lying on the grass beside me, as she had many times in our favorite park. _I'm so sorry Jules, I still am. _I can't believe in my moment of madness I chose to believe it was all your fault – it's always my fault. I do nothing but hurt the people I loved. I even killed a girl that would have done _so much good_.

Looking back on everything, it all just seems like a nightmare I can't snap out of. I can't believe the things I did, or the space I was in for so long there. I now have the perspective to realize how differently I should have done everything, how I must have looked to others, how even Mrs. Dawes had tried to reach out to me but I was just living in a place so dark I really couldn't see any light in a cloud of panic, fear, and depression. And towards the end there, I was just desperately grasping at straws with her, wishing desperately she would tell me the complete truth about what was wrong, because deep down I know it couldn't have been just about Julia. She had begun pulling away long before that. Dr. Sadler had helped me through seeing why I had behaved the way I did, why I had clung to her so desperately, and I just feel so…ashamed.

Ashamed that I put her through something so horrible, and…I remained doubtful about my choice to let her in so much in the first place. Dr. Sadler had tried to absolve me of my guilt as I told her about Clare's response to when I first told her about Julia and when she found out about my hoarding, but part of me will always wonder if I had done the right thing. I knew better than to take her down this road, but I let myself get carried away by my feelings for her to the point where I believed I had the right to be happy. The irony of it all is that the only thing I ended up doing was bringing so much pain into her life. Clare had been going through a hard time herself and I did nothing but add to her burdens…and in what a way. A fifteen year old girl as sunny as perfection had to deal with a complete monster. _How could I ever allow that_, I thought to myself bitterly.

Not until after she left that hospital room did I realize how wrong I had been about everything. At first as I was lying there I let the pain of the nightmarish past few weeks overtake my body, but then I asked my dad to take Stalker/Angel away and I sat there feeling so…numb. I wanted to go back in time and wish I could do everything properly, but seeing as that was not an option I did the only thing I could – I decided I would do everything in my power to try to never hurt anyone around me ever again.

I apologized to Mrs. Dawes and thanked her for trying to reach out to me, and I could tell she was disappointed that I stopped writing altogether after everything had happened. Eventually Dr. Sadler told me it was important for me to not let that go – but I brought her Stalker/Angel in an attempt to try to get to see her that I shouldn't be allowed to let my imagination run wild ever again. Much to my surprise, she said I needed to try again and not let this part of me go; and recently I started again, especially as Mrs. Dawes had sent me an e-mail nominating me to a writer's workshop here in Toronto that I was heading to tomorrow.

I had also apologized to Clare in a letter I asked Adam to give her. I didn't even think she would want to read it, like I said in the letter itself, but I wasn't about to force her to talk to me and scare her even more. The look of sheer fear in her eyes that I saw in the hospital makes my entire body shake every time I think about it. I promised her I would never bother her again, and I know that's a promise nothing could ever make me break. In retrospect, I'm happy she went back to the dance after she visited me in the hospital – I was never able to give her a fun night at a dance. Every teenage boyfriend could do that for their girlfriend, but I of course couldn't. Not only did I not take her to them, but I pulled the most ridiculous and frightening stunts at them. _I never deserved her. _

She moved on easily and I never had lunch in the cafeteria as I knew it would make her uncomfortable to see me. By her side, _he_ looked right in place and she looked happy and carefree. School heartthrob and intelligent beauty was right. Not intelligent beauty and emo nut job. The first time I saw the sight unexpectedly, the two of them walking to school holding hands, I used Dr. Sadler's coping techniques and I was able to head into the school calmly myself and just rush off to class, but when I got home everything that I had put her through rushed back all at once. My mom could hear me crying in my room and she just came and sat down on my bed and held me tightly as I thought not about him, but about all the damage I did there and how happy I was to see that she was able to move past it in just a month. I wasn't sure if I was crying out of happiness, or because the sight completely destroyed me, which made me realize how much work I still had to do. My mom never asked me what was wrong, but I have a feeling she knew.

I also moved to another seat in English class and talked to Mrs. Dawes about how I couldn't be Clare's partner anymore – I couldn't make her live in sheer terror for 80 minutes every second day. Mrs. Dawes was disappointed at my lack of participation in class – I only talked now when she called on me – but Clare didn't need to be reminded of my presence there. Mrs. Dawes praised my answers every time, but I only cringed – seriously considering leaving Degrassi several times. I had reverted to the moving-schools option one more time, and it only made things so much worse, but I thought that if I flew under the radar I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. I'd keep to myself this time.

I changed my mind as I thought about how disappointed my parents would be though, and all the extra work that the process would involve for them. Besides, I couldn't keep running away from my problems, and I knew that deep inside. People leave all the time, as I told Dr. Sadler once, which caused her to sigh and say the only thing she was really worried about with me was what she identified as trust issues. I prefer to call it realism – trust was something I never gave easily previously to everything colliding, and I don't think it would be a bad thing for me to me hesitant with the expectations I have of people. Dr. Sadler agreed with me on that last part, but she also said I shouldn't shut myself off from the world. And with her help, I began to see her point and I took some measures to ensure that didn't happen.

I got a job at a bookstore over the summer as I was trying to save up for a new car; I'd work from 8-4 Mondays through Saturdays before going to see Dr. Sadler. I cringed as I thought of my moment of madness that caused me to lose another part of myself that I cared so much about. I can't believe my train of thought looking back on it; it's just a perfect reflection of how involved I was in my own problems, desperately trying to hang onto something that was already gone.

Even though it's hard at times, I have been following Dr. Sadler's advice on focusing on the future as opposed to the past…and the future for now meant the day off work tomorrow so I could go to the writer's workshop. It was so nice outside that I decided to head to the park to fill out my forms. The workshop also sent along some brochures from different universities around Canada, and I wanted to take a look at their programs – I'd have to apply to university in about a year or so, so I had plenty of time, but the thought of getting to study only what I wanted to was really exciting. I didn't know if I wanted to stay at TU – it was the best university in the country – or head out west. Most likely, I would stay in Toronto for my undergrad…I could tell my mom was a little sad at the thought of me going away. It would also depend on how much I progressed, I thought. Dr. Sadler had told me that she was so happy with my progress that once school started we would switch to weekly appointments instead, but I knew I had a long road ahead of me.

I got to the park and found a spot under a tree. Benches here still held too many memories. I pulled out my book and started reading and pulled out my iPOD and inserted my ear buds into my ears. I liked my job at Chapters, I got a great employee discount and worked with some nice people, a lot of them university students who were English majors and had told me about the programs they were in, but I worked 6 days per week so a day off for the writer's workshop tomorrow would be a nice change, I thought as I settled down to read.

**Clare's POV**

I wonder if today will be one of the days he wants to hang out with me after his soccer practice, or one of the ones where he just shrugs his shoulders and says it's up to me…which I've come to learn means that he'd rather be at home by himself or with the guys watching sports. I was sitting on the bleachers watching him take penalty shot after penalty shot, getting all but one in. The team made their way in, had a little meeting, and then he headed towards me as I handed him his water bottle.

"Thanks baby," he said, flashing me a smile and grabbing my arm to pull me in for a kiss.

I never knew how to bring up the subject of plans together; usually I just waited for him but I had something I wanted to do this time so I decided to just bring it up.

"Hey Jake, you know how my parents are remarkably finding petty ways to fight despite the fact that they are divorced now?" I asked.

"Bummer. But I thought we had already talked about not making other people's problems our own. Just shrug it off, Clare," he said. This theory of his was the only reply he ever had to my parents' problems and it was one that I didn't like so much.

"Well, anyway, tomorrow they'll be home together and I really don't want to be there. I was thinking we could go downtown to that writers' workshop tomorrow. I'm not in it or anything, but there's a lot of events open to the public," I said, excited at seeing some really famous Canadian authors lead some of the bigger sessions, read excerpts from their latest books, and so on.

"You know that's really not my thing, but I'll drop you off and pick you up. I was hoping to go fishing tomorrow anyway, so I'd have the car," he said as I felt my face drop. The whole point was for us to do something together.

"Oh, it's okay. Never mind. Just a thought, that's all," I replied, trying not to let my disappointment enter my voice. I must have done a good job of it because he didn't seem to pick up on anything.

He was dribbling the ball as we were walking, but it bounced off a rock and it went off in a funky direction, bumping into a bench before changing angles and heading towards a tree that…_Eli _was reading a book under. I couldn't believe it. I read his letter and he had kept his promise to stay away from me impeccably. I had no idea what his life even was made of these days, but I saw he had a Chapters name tag on his shirt, so I guess he had taken a summer job there.

I cringed as the ball hit his leg – his left leg, and I saw his book fall out of his hands and he flinched in pain for a minute before regaining control of his leg and getting up and grabbing the ball. As he looked up and saw us, I saw him immediately look down towards the ground…he looked so ashamed, the same look that he had on his face every single English class.

"Sorry, dude," Jake spoke up. He didn't know Eli; I didn't want the ghost of what had happened in my last relationship to follow me into my new one. "Are you all right? You have an injury on your leg, man, I can tell because I've broken basically every bone in my body," Jake said, flashing a proud smile.

"Don't worry about it, it's nothing," he said, passing the ball to Jake. "Hi, Clare," he said uncomfortably, and a bunch of papers fell from inside his book. I saw his registration for the same writers workshop…he was going.

He also had a series of college brochures…so this is what his life was made of these days, I thought to myself. He was working and writing. I can't say I was surprised. I also knew from Adam that he had been seeing a psychiatrist every day, and I was glad because I knew he needed help that I couldn't give him.

"Hi," I said softly, as I explained to Jake, "Eli and I have English class together," as Jake nodded and said "Cool, another Degrassi kid. Sorry about that man, the ball was going pretty fast there and that's gotta hurt on a hurt leg," Jake pushed.

"Really, it's fine, accidents happen all the time," Eli said. "I was just about to leave anyway," he continued, stuffing everything into his backpack. "Don't worry about it. See you guys around," he said and took off in the other direction and I noticed a slight limp in his leg.

_I never thought it would be like this,_ I thought to myself.

"That kid was weird, Clare," Jake said. "What kind of freak wears black shorts and a black shirt in the summer?" he asked, slightly laughing to himself.

"Eli does," I said softly, as Jake put his arm around my waist and told me he'd be watching the game with the guys tonight.

**Eli's POV**

I hopped on the tram and rode it all the way downtown to a coffee shop I discovered one day when I was really early for my appointment with Dr. Sadler. I didn't want to be in the Degrassi neighbourhood anymore. Sometimes I felt so cold and broken, like I'm never going to heal, and switching sights helps a little, I thought to myself as I watched a dad hand an ice cream cone to his little girl.

_Eli and I have English class together_…that's all I am to her now. I needed to be strong and not this let get to me…I owe it to my parents, I kept saying over, imagining my mom's face in my mind. I finished my writers' workshop assignment and then made my way to my dad's radio station. I'd been helping him out more and more, and I really liked it there - there was so much music everywhere, all labelled and organized impeccably. My favorite part was finding the records dad would need and laying them out in order. I'd be lying to myself if I said the encounter in the park didn't bring me a new, sharp pain, but I knew I needed to learn that _you just can't make someone love you_. _Once it's gone, you have to let it go. _I opened the first college brochure…_let it go all the way to a better place, _I thought as Istudied the immense and historic Toronto U campus.

**Please let me know what you thought in a review. And if you want a happy reunion, that's what my longer project was – the story called Finding Strength. I didn't mean to make anyone sad here, I just wanted to realistically imagine where they stand now…after the road they took them down I don't imagine a one-episode reunion. Finding Strength imagines a reunion that might comfort your broken EClare heart, but I wrote most of it without having seen Drop the World – after seeing it, this is more of what I imagine. **


End file.
